The Journal

I’ve hit a topic block at this moment. Funny things happen and then I forget them as quickly as they come in. SO! I’ve decided to share something with you that I call my “Funny Journal” or “Blackmail Journal”… whatever helps you sleep at night. And just in case you think I’m making this up, I’ve taken a picture of it.

1361315895047I started writing down funny things that I heard people say in 2010. However, I’ve only used about three pages front and back because I’m forgetful. I figure that by the time my child is grown, it may be full. Or not. We’ll see.

Anyway, since I’m drawing a blank, I decided to tell you some of the things I’ve written down in my journal, and I hope that by doing this, I encourage someone to make a Blackmail Funny Journal of his or her own. After all, with my brain being as it is now, I’m afraid that I won’t have any stories to tell my grandchildren. And I want to embarrass the fire out of my family when I’m old!

So here goes! Enjoy!

Disclaimer: I live in South Carolina. I grew up with people who didn’t and still do not give a crap about being politically correct, grammatically correct, or any other correct. I even have to translate words sometimes.  So a few of these may be PG. And you should know that the things that my Papa has said are my favorites. Names have been changed to protect the not-so-innocent.

6-8-2010, M. Smith, 31 years old (that’s how I document my entries)

I’m going to come to bed now, but don’t you even think about touching my supple breasts!

9-5-2010, J. Fant, 60 years old

We were all standing in the kitchen when Papa walked up to my sister and said:

Let me just tell you about Shane Parker. He goes after single moms and divorced women. And I seen him down at the Revco buying condominiums!

9-14-2010, M. Smith, old as dirt

I love you so much. Having you is like having a pet rattle snake. I can pet it, but I gotta be real careful!

10-3-2010, B. Garner, 7 years old

My sister asked her son what a “piss ant” was and he explained that:

It’s a ant that’s pissed and angry!

2-12-11, M. Smith, 31 years old

When I woke up this morning I was ready to go get our stuff done because we have so much to do before Casey gets here. Matt was half asleep, and I looked over at him and told him that I thought I was nesting. And he looked at me and said he thought I was a loony bird.

November 2012, J. Fant, 62 years old

Papa told this story to my sister and I. We were crying by the time he was done.

I took Brent down to the neighbor’s house to feed the hogs. While the male hog was eating, Brent looked at me and asked me why that hog had “bumps” on his butt. I looked at Brent and said, ‘”Those are his balls, son.” Brent obviously didn’t know what “balls” were and kept saying, “His balls?”

I don’t know if you will find any of these funny, but I did. And I can still hear them being said in my head which is way funnier. I look forward to writing down the things my daughter will say and reading them to her boyfriends/fiance when she gets older. It’s going to be the perfect revenge for this “Terrible Twos” crap.

Please let me know if you decide to do this! And totally tell me some of the things you write down! This is my favorite project-that-I-neglect EVER!


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