Things You Might Have To Teach Your Husband



My girl,

Let me just tell you a thing or two about these “boys” you’re already mentioning. Boys are messy, and they don’t hang out with their Mamas enough sometimes.  And sometimes boys have cooties.

For example, Daddy is a boy and he has cooties. I’m almost 100% sure he does.

Not only is Daddy full of cooties,  he also doesn’t know how to put a casserole dish that was just used to make his lasagna in the sink with Dawn dish soap and water. Instead, he likes to leave it in the sink so that the sauce dries all over it which causes Mama to think bad words when she finds it buried below a pile of Elmo cups and nonsense. So when you get married, you might have to teach your husband about Dawn dish soap. Or at LEAST how to load the dishwasher.

You know what else you might have to teach your husband? How to match his clothes. Daddy can’t match his clothes without asking Mama. I’m not really sure why, but he can’t seem to understand that almost everything matches khaki pants and that he should never, ever wear black and navy together. Basic rules right? No, not for Daddy. He forgets like everyday. So when you get married, you might have to match your husband’s clothes. Or just let him go out into the world looking all crazy a time or two until he memorizes the dad-gum rules.

You also might have to teach your husband how to pick up toys because most boys don’t care about picking stuff up. They just wanna play all day, eat, and go to sleep. So that’s when you tell him you wanna play a little game called Who Can Pick Up The Most Stuff In Five Minutes. The trick is to turn EVERYTHING into a competition. Boys like that. And if he wins, let him gloat. You’ll know deep down that you’re the real winner because he cleaned up more than you for once. And if you can trick him into loving to fold clothes, and load and unload the dishwasher, you’re golden. Mama hasn’t mastered that yet, but she’s working on it.

But watch out for those boys, Casey. Because sometimes they have blue eyes and light brown hair and say stuff that makes you laugh. And when you least expect it, you’ll fall in love. And then after you fall head over heels, he’ll buy you some jewelry. You’ll like that a lot so then you’ll marry him. And once you marry him, you’ll have to live with him like everyday. And some days you’ll wanna dig a big hole in your backyard behind the garage to bury him in, but you can’t. And then other days, you’ll love him so much you’ll wanna squeeze his head off of his shoulders, but you can’t do that either. And some days he’ll sass you in Wal-Mart and you’ll wanna lock him out of the car and make him beg before you let him back in, but you probably just shouldn’t do that.

Those boys are tricky, Casey. Just don’t forget one important thing: they all have cooties until they graduate from college. And sometimes they still have them after that. Just scratch that whole thing, boys have cooties forever. And as long as you remember that, you’re good.





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