just letters

the one where it’s 80 degrees outside and mama’s crazy

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dear silly girl,

it’s freakin’ hot outside! i do believe that just last week i was telling you how cold it was. like in the 30s. {don’t be bitter, readers. 30 degrees is cold for south carolina} well, not anymore! it’s 80 something degrees outside today and i’m burning up! i even have a tan starting! a farmer’s tan, i am ashamed to say. i’m going to have to invest in some tank tops that do not cling. your mama does not do the clingy stuff.

currently,  you are passed out in my chair in the living room because it was well past your nap time when i picked you up from gran’s. but i know that as soon as your big, blue-green-murky-gray-heck-we-don’t-know-what-color eyes open, i will be spending the rest of the day outside. which really is fine if i have a book to read or something to do, but gets really boring (and hot) when i don’t.

i am currently book-less. i’ll pick up my new books on friday and all will be right with the world again, but until then, i’m bored to tears.

my guess is that we will be walking to the park for the third day in a row. you will be following around whatever older kid is there to play and producing feelings of guilt within your mother for refusing to birth you a playmate. just.cannot.do.it.

pretty much everything  you do makes my heart swell up like a sponge, but when you clap and tell the little boy on the swings that he’s doing a good job or yell at the little girl playing basketball that “baby is swinging” when you’re on the swings, i feel like it’s gonna bust. all at once from the pride i feel because of how sweet you are and the remorse that only on these occasions lurks into my chest for not wanting another child.

but i just don’t. i’ve tossed it back and forth a bazillion times.

what if something happened to daddy and i? should i have another child so that you wouldn’t be alone? what if i think you would like a brother or sister and then once you have one you don’t? how the heck could we afford another? we can’t. or could we? would i want to go through all of that again? no, not really. but i could! could i bare to not sleep again for a year? and that answer is a definite no. i’m still making up for 2011. but then is it fair for you to not have have someone to play with? no. but there are cousins and activities to fill that void. but what activities? i can’t find anything for 2-year-olds. how could i have another while i’m in school? i can’t. what if i took a year off? school loans ring a bell?!

well, i think i’ve painted that picture clear enough for you.

i really do feel like you’re a very happy child and that either way, neither one of us can know what the future holds. for all the questions that i ask myself about what the right thing to do is, there’s another question to answer it. i have to trust that i’m making the right decision and if in the future you think i made the wrong one, i’m dreadfully sorry. and i’ll tell you so. but i love you so much and can’t imagine sharing that love with anyone else. i honestly don’t think you would be any happier with a sibling than you are right now.

i know i ran a rabbit trail with this letter, but i blame the heat. heat and no book causes your mother to think too much.

i’ll make you a promise right now. and you will have it in print to show me later on: i promise to cover you in sunscreen and play outside all day for the rest of your childhood if that’s what it takes for you to feel like you have a playmate.

and i promise to pay for therapy in the event that it doesn’t.

just don’t go on steve harvey and talk about me, please? i really hate his talk show.

love forever,

mama

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