just letters

the one about a mother’s love and a short pep talk

dear silly girl,

have i told you lately how much i love you?

just in case i haven’t said it today, i love you so much more than you will ever know.

sometimes i miss you even when i know you’re in the very next room. it’s the weirdest thing.

being a parent cannot adequately be described, but i’m going to try.

it’s like a constant rush. i feel overwhelming joy and complete frustration because of my lack of control. i feel a great sense of pride and crushing vulnerability every time i look at you. it’s all at once the best and the worst feelings all wrapped up into one.

and before i confuse you, the seemingly bad feelings aren’t from you. they’re there because as a parent, i want to protect you from every little thing and it’s a known impossibility. i suppose i could lock you in a tower somewhere, but let’s face it: even in cartoons, the princesses always escape.

i just know better than anyone at this moment in your life how sweet and stubborn and talented and funny and daring and wonderful you are. it’s not something that i know because i’ve heard someone else say it. i know it because you are mine and i watch you everyday. i don’t even know where your personality comes from, as much as i’d like to take credit for it. you look like your daddy so i have to lay claim to something, but you just fascinate me.

i just wanted to tell you all of this because i know that once you hit adolescence you may not believe a word i say or want to hear it. and i want you to be able to look back and know that all of those annoying things i tell you about how smart you are and how beautiful you are have always been true, and i’ve always felt this way about you.

there almost always comes a time in every girl’s life when she doesn’t believe that she’s as wonderful as she truly is. i’ve been there just like everyone else. and i hope that all of my self-conscious quirks are not passed on to you. i just hope that even when that day comes and you’re in that moment, that you will remember your mother’s words.

you are amazing and you will do great things.

that’s what i want you to carry with you because there is nothing that could make that statement untrue.

if you lose your limbs tomorrow, that statement will still be true.

if you cover your body in tattoos and piercings when you turn 18, that statement will still be true.

if you gain 200 pounds, that statement will still be true.

if you dye your hair black and start wearing halloween makeup year round, that statement will still be true.

if you decide to sell all of your possessions and live out of your car traveling the country, that statement will still be true.

if you decide to buy a house right next door to mine, that statement will still be true.

if you graduate college at the top of your class and suddenly have no idea where you are going, that statement will still be true.

if you decide that college isn’t for you and you want to be an artist, that statement will still be true.

you are amazing and you will do great things.

wherever you are, with whatever decisions you make.

and i’m not saying that you will never make a decision that will scare the hell out of me because it’s actually highly likely that you will, but i’ll get over it. and nothing you could do will change the way i feel about you.

that’s how mothers feel.

why do you think serial killers’ mothers visit them in prison?

because even they can’t stop loving their children.

and because they’re safely locked away.

anyway, moral of the story: i love you more than i can tell you, and i want you to be whoever it is you want to be.

just be proud of yourself and your decisions.

but don’t become a serial killer.

love forever,

mama

 

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