just letters

the one with mama’s lament about automatic flushing toilets

dear silly girl,

you have an absolute phobia of toilets that flush themselves and it has made me seriously consider suing the stores that install them. here are 4 reasons why:

1) they are so ridiculously loud that they scare the bejesus outta you.

2) little people, such as yourself, do not accurately block the stupid sensor on the toilet so it flushes almost as soon as i get you in position on the thing. this sudden flushing causes you to jump up off of it at olympic speeds and slam me underneath the chin, causing me to bite my tongue. hard.

3) who the heck is so dad-blamed lazy that they cannot lift their foot off the floor and flush a toilet like the rest of society? these people should be in gated facility somewhere. in the event that said person is not lazy but has a physical disability that prevents his or her foot from lifting off the ground, i understand not flushing with the foot. but if one is able to go to the restroom by his or herself, he or she should be able to wad up some toilet paper and flush the cotton-picking toilet!

4) the asinine invention of the self-flushing toilet has caused us to have a new bathroom routine. to keep you from needing to catapult off of the potty, i now have to sit on the potty, put you in front of me to do your business, and pray aloud that you do not pee on me or the floor. most people probably think that peeing in the floor is a boy problem, but no. potty-training girls are very talented at this as well. they have to learn to lean forward and keep everything where it is meant to be.

all i’m saying is that all of this extra drama is completely avoidable.

automatic toilets put us one step closer to being the chunky, numb, incapable-of-walking peeps from Wall-E.

and that’s my rant.

all technology is not divine.

love forever,

mama

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