just letters

interrupted dreams

dear silly girl,

it’s so very early right now.

well, not really, but it’s earlier than i had planned to be awake! and i’ve been awake for an hour now.

it’s 8:59.

don’t judge me.

aunt jennifer woke me up at 7:48 to help her zip a zipper on the side of her dress pants.

AMY!  she whisper-screamed while standing over my sweetly dreaming head.

my eyes flashed open because no matter how deep i’m sleeping, a single uttered word quickly wakes me up as if there is an emergency. jennifer didn’t realize this and was taken aback. i think my quick reaction scared her a little.

and it should have.

WHAT?

i don’t like being woken up so when it happens it better be for good reason.

i’m about ready to just say, “screw it” and not even go!

jennifer has an interview this morning at the police department. she hates her current job and has decided that she’d like to be a cop. any cop. she just wants out of manufacturing.

i told her what manufacturing jobs were like and now i’m going to tell you: they are annoying as hell and the people who work them are bored so there’s always drama.

i worked a manufacturing job for 6 months when i was 19. i’ve never gone back. i figure out people and environments quickly and try not to make the same mistakes twice.

jennifer is a different story, in a different book, in a different section, in a different language. she doesn’t listen, but at least now she’s learning.

but back to my story.

spanx were on, zipper was down, i had only one eye open. there was tugging, pinching, and pulling. i thought at one point i was going to break that flimsy zipper-slider right off and then she was really gonna freak out.

i got the zipper up finally, laid back down, and pulled the covers back over my head.

but what does everyone know about your mother’s sleep habits? once i’m awake, i CANNOT go back to sleep! which is why i’m really ill when someone wakes me up.

and sure, it was for a good cause. i want her to wear pants to her interview. otherwise, she might be in the jail and on the news instead of locking people up.

but dang it! it was my first good night’s sleep in weeks for two reasons:

a few weeks ago, i started getting acid reflux. possibly one of the worst feelings in the entire world. i could not figure out why i was suddenly having this problem. until we went on vacation.

we went to tybee island, georgia last week and while there, i didn’t take my prescribed diet pills. {it’s so classy that your mom needs those, huh?} unfortunately, after three years, i hadn’t lost much of my pregnancy weight. probably because i snack like food will never be given to me again. so i went to the doctor for a diet and some help. wah-lah! 13 pounds down, 22 to go.

but anyway.

when i quit taking them, the reflux stopped. when i got back home, i took them and it came back. so i quit again, and it stopped again. the doctor is going to have to prescribe something else at my next appointment.

besides the reflux, vacation in general was also a problem. it wore you slap out. you were so exhausted that you had to nap for 3 days once we arrived back home. napping + you = staying up til 2 in the morning watching princess movies and asking for snacks every 30 seconds.

[the day you turn 25, and possibly before, you will suddenly love sleep. it will happen, mark my words.]

so back to my story once again.

i couldn’t sleep after jennifer woke me up with her zipper problem and you must have sensed my open eyes. you rolled over, asked me for “lots of tea,” and went back to sleep. i got up and imaginary-eye-patched it to the kitchen.

side note: jennifer likes to turn on every light in the house when she gets up in the morning. her bedroom, the bathroom, living room, laundry room, and kitchen are all illuminated. it drives me insane.

i’m glad you’re up now, she said as i passed her on my way to the coffee maker.

i’m not up now. i’m going back to bed, i lied.

i made a cup of coffee and filled up your cup with tea. {recently, i have banned you from tea, but half-awake mama gives in to everything but crack.}

then in came jennifer.

can you get these [her spanx] up and get this out of my lip? i’m about to just stay home.

this hussy needs a live-in mother, i early-morning-mean-sister thought.

i pulled the spanx up to their necessary position. if she’d kept the stupid straps that hook the spanx to her bra, this wouldn’t be a problem. {if you ever buy spanx, keep the stupid straps, please.}

and then there was this lip thing.

a month or two ago, jennifer decided that her 27-year-old, professional-job-seeking self needed a piercing below her bottom lip.

what was one more though? ears, done. tongue, done. eyebrow, done. belly button, at one time, done. i told her if she kept piercing, eventually she’d have to stop drinking liquids or i would patent her as a sprinkler.

so, now it’s a couple of months later and i’m having to get the thing out of her lip in the kitchen at 8-something in the morning.

dang her time.

i instructed her to hold it still so she pushed on it with her tongue. i twisted it, and she made a yelping sound.

i said take it out, not pull it through my lip! just put your finger in my mouth and hold it still.

gross.

i don’t wanna do that. you hold it still.

just do it! you’re going to be a hygienist. you’ll be sticking your hands in people’s mouths every day. 

WITH GLOVES ON!

please?! [wait, that please was imagined. that’s what she should have said.]

i held the bad-decision still and twisted the ball thingy til it came off.

ugh.

then i washed my hands, picked up my drinks, and stomped off to bed.

show me your outfit before you leave, i requested.

why would i ask that? because sweet aunt jennifer either dresses like a grandma in florals going to church or a hooker going clubbing to find her next job.

anyway, tight dress pants, black vest, white collared shirt, and teased hair walks into our room.

can you fix my collar? i don’t know how it goes.

haven’t you worn this before?

yes, but I had long hair and could hide the collar.

do you also need me to hold your hand when you go pee-pee?

just fix my collar!

i fixed the collar and instructed her to pat the front of her shirt down to hide the boob tattoo.

pat it down before you go in, too. 

yes, mother.

this morning, i may as well be.

love forever,

mama

this jennifer-bashing session is brought to you by amy-roused-too-early. 

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