just letters

excuse me, but do you have a mop?

dear silly girl,

i took a cpr class bright and early this morning because my certification was going to expire next month. i got to school at 9 and walked out at 12:30 after doing enough chest compressions on a dummy to burst blood vessels in my hands. i’m good to go until 2017.

little did i know that later today i would be in a situation where someone could have quite possibly thought they were going to have to do cpr on me.

oh my goodness, child!

congratulations, little princess, you made your mother cry tonight! thankfully, they were tears of laughter after the shock and humiliation wore off. well, that’s a little dramatic. i actually handled it quite well. i had my little crying / laughing spell once i got back home.

tonight, my dear, you took it upon yourself to pee in public. in a store no less! yes, ma’am, it absolutely happened.

i had to run to wal-mart for a couple of things tonight and decided to take you and aunt jennifer with me. as soon as we pulled into the parking lot, i realized that you had fallen asleep. have i mentioned at all how much fun it is to carry an almost 40 pound child around a store? no? oh, ’cause it’s not.

anyway, we got what we needed and exited the store without incident, ready to head home.

thanks to the blistering cold and the fact that i’m too short to put you in your car seat without jarring you, you woke up as soon as i got you to the car. you immediately started whining and informing me that i had committed the cardinal motherly sin of forgetting to buy you a sucker. oh the injustice!

so to appease you and my exhausted patience, i told you i’d take you to the “candy store.” that’s what you call the dacusville farmer’s market. it’s a gas station that has looked exactly the same inside and out since i was a kid. we love this store. i take you in there all the time to buy prizes.

well not anymore!

as soon as we pulled up to the store, which is 20 minutes in the other direction from wal-mart which had bathrooms, you let me know that you needed to go to the potty. and i informed you that the farmer’s market doesn’t have bathrooms.

you ran around in circles grabbing a sucker and a push-pop {did i mention it’s 27 degrees outside?} while i grabbed a coke for aunt jennifer. we made our way to the register to pay and you plopped your goodies up on the counter. i was just about to slide my card when you let me know, ever so sweetly, that you were peeing. like right then.

stop, casey! stop! i whisper-shouted.

did you stop? no. you stood there and watched it drip into your shoes and onto the floor.

casey, stop! just hold the rest! 

i can’t, mom!

did i mention there was some guy behind us in line who was wearing shorts and whose face is now burned into my brain?

but that’s neither here nor there.

anyone else cpr certified in here? i was pretty sure i was about to suffer from syncope.

i looked at the lady checking me out and very quietly asked her if they had a mop.

my kid has had an accident. i’ll take care of it.

no, we’ll get it up. 

thank you. i’m so sorry.

i wasn’t going to beg. i grabbed your hand and took you to the car. i told you that i couldn’t believe you had just done that. i told you to get in your car seat so i could take you home to change your soaked clothes. you threw a tiny fit because you couldn’t get out of your pee-soaked clothes right that instant. i very patiently explained that since you had peed in your clothes, we had to go home to take those off and get dry ones, and the only way to get home to do that was for you to get your butt in your car seat so i could take you home.

aunt jennifer was overcome with laughter the entire time.

i wanted to punch her face.

thankfully for all involved, i don’t really get riled too easily. sure, i was embarrassed. i’m sure you were, too. who wants to pee on themselves in front of God and everybody? no one. it was an accident. an accident that i hope never, ever happens again.

once we got home, i got a little tickled about it. by now you probably know that if i’m stressed and start laughing, i can’t stop. other people love this about me because i look like i’m crying and make weird half crying, half laughing shrieking noises when this happens.

aunt jennifer was all but peeing in her own pants while watching me have my moment. you were standing in the bedroom half naked while i explained to dad what had happened and he tried to find you clothes.

after holding on to the table for balance and taking some deep breaths, i got over it and settled down only to hear this conversation:

brandon, i pissed in the floor in the store.

what?! what did you just say?

i pissed in the floor at the store. 

AMY!!

my work is never done. first with the public bathroom break and then with the vocabulary.

anyone have an extra oxygen tank laying around? no?

i think i’m going to market my services to mothers so that when their child embarrasses them until they turn purple from holding their breath, another mother will know what to do.

it takes a village after all. a village that should keep a stash of alcohol hidden at all times. spiked apple juice is probably pretty good.

{sigh} just another day in paradise, smooch.

i can’t wait to regale this tale to your first serious boyfriend or two. i’ll be sure to give it a little flair by then. karma, karma, karma. 🙂

i still love you no matter what, little girl. pee puddles and all.

love forever,

mama

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